My heart is torn right now. I want to run after him and fix it. But I know that would keep us in the wilderness of doing the same thing over and over and still getting the same results. The Lord has already told me to trust him so I have to keep that at the forefront. But even trusting in the Lord doesn't make the pain go away. But it is comforting to know that the Lord is with me during the pain.
Here is where my story begins: It's 6:00 a.m. my alarm clock goes off. I call out to Sonny Boy after a couple of minutes to come and turn off my alarm. He grumbles but I hear a NO in there somewhere. His alarm goes off 2 to 3 minutes later. I ask him if he plans to get up on time. He says that he is awake and listening to his music for a minute. I ask him to come into my room for a minute. He asks why? Then says give me a minute. Well a minute turns into 10 minutes. All the while I am trying to think of ways to coax him out of the bed. Finally at 6:25 he comes and jumps into my bed. So I grab the bible and read Colossians 3, vs 18-25. I was actually looking for something different but that was where the Spirit lead me. After that it is approx. 6:33 and I still am trying to coax him up to get ready for school.
Finally he is up an dressed but now it is 7:00a.m. Remember his bus comes around 7:25a.m. So I cook breakfast as he pulls out his I-Pad. I ask him if it is wise to use it at this time. He responds: Yea its wise. I suggest he put all of his stuff at the door so when the school bus comes he would just grab and go. He does that and then back to the I-Pad and listening to the radio. I mention something about time and he just blows me off. So I say ok I'll just mind my business.
It is now 7:23 and I go to the window in the dining room and I see his bus waiting as I call I to Sonny Boy to tell him, the bus drives away. I then tell him that he just missed the bus. He says: you didn't flag him down. I say: No. He says: the door is not open so he thinks no one was home. Mom, you didn't open the door? I say: No, I left it for you. His face fell upon an overwhelming sense of loss. I began to tell him what he needed to do next. He cut me off quickly as he ran to the window again just to be sure that his bus was not out there. I told him that I wouldn't lie to him, I saw the bus and it pulled away. He begs to stay home. I refuse.
I then shared with him that now he has to really catch the city bus from this area. I started to tell him the times and the stop he would have to walk to. As he started to panic, he sat down at the kitchen table and pulled out his I-pad and started playing again. I politely laid down the bus schedule and went back to my dishes. He said, what, you think I can't play and hear too. I then said: If you want the information to get to school you must turn off the I-pad.
He had to dip into his savings again. This time there was no hesitancy. I gave him the information he needed as he moved slowly. I also informed him that a bus will be showing up in 3 minutes but he could count that as a loss. The next bus would be in
15 minutes but by the time he got out of the door he only had 4 minutes to make it to the stop. I didn't even bother to share that. He asked what happens if he misses it. I said: you will just have to wait there until another one comes. As he heads out the door feeling a little lost he asks me what I plan to do today. I answer that I just plan to clean the house. I know that he wanted to ask why I couldn't take him to school but he knew better.
He realize that he didn't charge his phone last night and shares that it is dead this morning. He also shares that he doesn't know where he is going and will probably get lost as he walks out the door leaving the directions on the table. I ask if he needs the directions and point to where they lay. He grabs them and out the door he goes.
I run to the window and watch him pass. I keep telling myself that I have to trust God on this. Every couple of minutes I find myself gravitating to the window just to see if he has returned. I want to go and get my baby and take him to school. I am fearful of what is out there. I ask myself if I am doing the right thing. I keep replaying this morning in my mind. It is taking everything I have in me to not get into my car to make sure he gets on the right bus or even just take him to school on the pretense that he's learned his lesson.
I am feeling the same type of feelings I did when a love relationship broke up. You know, when you feel like you want to hang on to what is no longer wise but comfortable because you know what you have versus the unknown. Your mind is twirling as you think about how you have gotten to this place. You want to throw in the towel and go after him and just pull him back into the fold. You want to cover him with your love in spite of him not being responsible for his part in this love relationship.
I slap myself back into reality and it hits me that this is a lesson for the both of us. His lesson is being responsible for his actions and suffering the consequences. Now that he is in high school, he has to be a better steward of his time. Sonny Boy has to learn that he is ultimately responsible for what he does and when he does it. He has to learn that there is more then one way to do something and it is up to him if he wants to take the hard road or the easy one.
My lesson is learning to not only say I will trust God but to actually trust him. I must take my way out of the situation and let him do his thing because his lessons last a life time and mine only last for the moment. I thank God for the lesson I learn today because it will keep me from being one of those moms who 20 years later is still raising a grown man who never learn to lean on himself and can never commit to anything.
Thank you God for this lesson. Keep them coming. I'm taking off this coat of fear and replacing it with your full armor.
Areverdurchy son. Or however you spell it.
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